Saucy Bites
by Vellidragon
Summary: Mr. Krabs devises a new promotional scheme that will also let him save money on his burgers. But will things go as smoothly as he hopes?


It was a beautiful day in Bikini Bottom. Of course, for SpongeBob SquarePants, every day was beautiful; that was how it had always been and he was sure it would always remain that way. Thus, on this fine Monday morning, SpongeBob awoke early with a smile and kept it all throughout his routine. Today was the best day of the week, after all, and so was every other day. Thus, after feeding his pet snail Gary and savouring a delicious breakfast of jellyfish jelly sandwiches, SpongeBob stepped out of his pineapple home and took a deep breath as he smelt the clean oxygen in the water around him. It was the perfect time to be his porous, yellow self, and so he decided not to be anyone else as he made his way to work.

His workplace was the Krusty Krab, the most popular restaurant in town. Even from afar, the large clam sign perched on a pole outside the building greeted him. With the appropriate amount of dignity, SpongeBob opened the tall glass doors and entered what he considered a shrine to only the highest quality undersea fast food. Squidward Tentacles, the grumpy octopus whose house was right next to SpongeBob's, was already in the restaurant and working the cash register.

"Gooood morning, Squidward!" he warbled as he passed his neighbour.

"The morning just stopped being good", the cephalopod replied with a face as long as a fiddle. SpongeBob was glad to have such a wonderful friend as a co-worker.

The kitchen was his realm here at the Krusty Krab. Every appliance was like an old friend to him, and he knew just how to make them all cooperate in the sole mission to create the most mouth-watering Krabby Patties in all of Bikini Bottom - as well as the only ones. SpongeBob lovingly picked up the spatula and weighed it in his hand; it was the perfect cooking tool and he grinned contentedly as he knew it would make him proud.

He himself would have to be in top form as well. His body and mind had to be adjusted for their task, and nothing would do the trick quite as well as the traditional Far Eastern techniques of Guochan-Gong. And one! And two! And in reverse! SpongeBob handled the spatula like no one else could. "Now, let's mix things up a bit!" he declared as he took some burger ingredients from a cupboard and juggled them with one hand while waving waving his cooking instrument around with the other.

That's when he noticed something did not seem quite right about them. They smelt... different. Rancid, almost. Was he imagining things? Maybe he had to put his senses in order first. Just as he began his meditation, however, his employer walked into the kitchen.

"Morning, SpongeBob!"

"Morning, Mr. Krabs!"

Mr. Eugene Krabs watched as his number one fry cook balanced the spatula and four or five slices of sea cucumber on his nose while levitating in the lotus position. This was not exactly an ordinary thing to be doing, but Krabs merely smiled as he was used to the sponge's antics. "Don't forget to add that extra blot of Krusty Special Sauce on the patties today, me boy", he reminded SpongeBob.

And the latter really needed the reminder, too. "Krusty Special Sauce?"

"Well, didn't you see?" Krabs asked as he proudly held up a flier. 'Special Sauce Weeks at the Krusty Krab', it read. 'Ready to experience a new fascinating flavour on your Krabby Patty? An extra amount of Krusty Special Sauce at no extra cost will enhance your meal with saucy goodness. (Offer subject to change if we feel like it.)'

No extra cost? SpongeBob knew his boss well enough to know there was something suspicious about that. "But aren't you going to lose money?"

Mr. Krabs grinned widely as he snickered to himself. "Not at all, kiddo! Here's the deal with it, I'll tell you a secret!" SpongeBob was not sure if he wanted to find out anymore, but Krabs was too anxious to share his newest trick to let him have a say in the matter. "I got us a new supplier who's selling the ingredients for 80% less! They're low quality, of course, and I'm not sure what's in them, but that's where the sauce comes in! It overrides the taste so no one's gonna suspect a thing!"

So he had not been imagining the rancid smell after all! "Um, Mr. Krabs?"

"What is it, me boy?"

"Are you sure the new ingredients are safe for consumption?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Mr. Krabs was enraged that any accusation of the opposite would be made against him. "The supplier has my fullest trust, good old Mister, um... what's his name again? Well, it doesn't matter! Think of all the money I'm saving!"

SpongeBob took an uncooked patty and eyed it suspiciously, spatula in hand. Mr. Krabs left him no time for doubts, however.

"Now, now! Get ready, me boy! Orders should be coming in right..." - he looked at his exclusive Krabby Patty-themed wristwatch - "...now!"

The business crab's extraordinary sense for money had not betrayed him. Just as he finished sounding out the exclamation point, Squidward became swamped with customers and SpongeBob became swamped with orders. New ingredients or not, it was time for him to start doing what he did best, and he managed to ignore the circumstances enough to master the task with flying colours. Patty upon patty was assembled through his spongy hand and left the kitchen to meet its ineluctable fate in an undersea person's stomach. Unfortunately, when the porous fry cook had all but forgotten the earlier happenings, everything came back to him on a sudden when he saw that another guest had entered the restaurant.

"Patrick?"

SpongeBob's starfish friend was seated at one of the tables and waving to him, eager to try the special sauce patties. "Hi SpongeBob!"

The sponge laughed nervously. Should he tell him what he suspected? "Oh, h-hi Patrick! You don't want a Krabby Patty today, do you?"

"I do, actually!" Patrick scratched his head insecurely. "I think. Do I?" Receiving no response from his brain, he looked down at his tummy instead, which loudly rumbled. "My stomach says yes!" he festively declared.

SpongeBob stared at the floor for a moment and sighed. For Mr. Krabs's sake, he knew he would have to complete the order. "Alllllright, one Krusty Special Sauce Patty, coming right up!"

Yep, those ingredients definitely smelt strange, no matter how much sauce he put on them (and he handled it generously, just as instructed). Though they could be prepared like he was used, he could not shake off the feeling that something was fishy, and it had nothing to do with the nature of the customers. Nevertheless, he rushed back into the restaurant and served the special patty to the hungry starfish.

"You know, Patrick..." he whispered after he had delivered the tray, scanning the place to make sure no one was listening. "I wouldn't eat these new patties. There's something really strange about the ingredients..."

However, when his eyes shifted back over to his friend, the patty had already disappeared in his stomach. Patrick concluded the meal with a burp. "These special sauce patties are ten times better than the regular ones! And that's a lot, almost, uh... 20%!"

"You know, maybe Mr. Krabs was right", SpongeBob pondered, then his frown turned upside-down and into his usual smile. "Well, no reason to worry then!"

SpongeBob had regained his enthusiasm and was soon serving Krabby Patties at record speed - and that was necessary, too, as the day was one of the busiest that the Krusty Krab had experienced lately thanks to the new sauce campaign. To anyone else, this would have meant a lot of stress, but the yellow sponge loved his job so much that he couldn't have been happier.

And neither could Mr. Krabs, for an entirely different reason. All the extra profit he was making put him in a jolly mood - so much even that he paid his employees a whole cent extra that day for a job well done.

* * *

He would regret the decision the next day.

Instead of frying flavoursome food on the grill for paying customers, he found SpongeBob soaping and swabbing and scrubbing the kitchen until it glistened and gleamed like the lure of an anglerfish.

"SpongeBob! What are you doing, me boy? Shouldn't you be making plentiful patties for paying patrons?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs, I haven't had anything else to do all day!" SpongeBob apologised as he broke off a corner of himself and resolutely sponged a lone, tiny speck of grease into submission.

"WHAT?! Nothing to do? That's impossible! Someone's gotta be waiting for their order!"

Mr. Krabs sternly strutted into the dining area and approached Squidward. To his horror, he found the octopus loudly snoring, reclining behind the register. Mumblings about fame and clarinets occasionally escaped his mouth.

"SQUIDWARD!" Mr. Krabs yelled and shook him awake. "I'm not paying you for sleeping on the job!"

"What job?" he drily responded after a long yawn. "Just take a look around."

Mr. Krabs finally scanned the restaurant himself and his heart nearly stopped as he did so. "By Neptune!" he exclaimed and it echoed back and forth between the walls. The entire place had turned into a ghost town overnight that only the Flying Dutchman was missing from. A tumble-seaweed rolled by as he again made certain that the place was entirely devoid of life apart from himself, his employees and a lone fly scavenging the dustbin (without paying, as he grumpily noted before kicking it out).

"Well, what's the haul for today, Squidward?" Mr. Krabs asked, though he was sure already that he would not like the answer.

"See for yourself if your heart's strong enough", Squidward replied as he opened the cash register. Its only contents were a seamoth and a crude note reading 'wil pay u tusday fr a buhgr tuday - patrik'.

"WHAT?!" Mr. Krabs let his eyes slither through the register, but they could not find a single cent. "How can this be?"

"You may want to look at the newspaper," Squidward said as he held up the latest issue. Mr. Krabs snatched it from him like a snapping shark.

"'Wave of food poisoning hits Bikini Bottom'", he read. "'All afflicted had last eaten at the Krusty Krab'! There's only one explanation for this", he dramatically declared: "I've been sabotaged!"

"Or you have sabotaged yourself, Mr. Krabs!" SpongeBob called him out. He had crawled through the service hatch and taken a seat on Squidward's head. "What about the new ingredients? The cheaper ones that smell..." - SpongeBob paused, sniffed the air once more and glared at his boss with a stern look - "..._rancid_?"

"Well, uh..." Krabs stammered. "Maybe it's a coincidence?"

"We'll see about that", a deep voice declared from the other end of the restaurant as a broad-shouldered man with a wide-brimmed hat kicked open the entrance door. "Inspector Barnacle", he monotonously introduced himself and displayed a badge. "I'm investigating the food poisoning outbreak."

"Oooh!" Mr. Krabs assumed the friendliest smile he could muster and rushed to awkwardly shake the inspector's hand. "Um, nice to meet you Mr. Bareknuckle! It's great that the case is being investigated and I wish you the best of luck, um, why don't you start looking at the Chum Bucket?"

Before Krabs could shove Mr. Barnacle out the front door, however, the inspector freed himself from his grip. "Because all victims have reported a visit to _this_ restaurant."

Mr. Krabs grinned uneasily. "Oh, let's not kid ourselves! Is that really enough to warrant an inspection?"

"Yes."

Krabs raised his claw and wanted to say something, but he did not know how counter that statement. "Um... Right then, but you're wasting your time here, Mr. Beltbuckle! Our food is perfectly safe, isn't that right SpongeBob, me boy?"

"Uh, well..." SpongeBob entwined his fingers and shifted his eyes sideways as he tried to figure out what to say, but he didn't have to.

"Knew you'd agree with me! Follow me into the kitchen and I'll demonstrate that there's nothing to worry about!"

"The only thing I'm worrying about right now is whether I'll still get to see the next pay cheque", Squidward remarked, otherwise unperturbed as Krabs marched off into the kitchen, pulling the inspector with him.

Mr. Krabs rummaged through the cupboards and pulled out patty ingredients by the dozen. "See? It's all perfectly safe!" he declared as he indiscriminately shovelled them into his mouth. "I'm eapim vem myphelph!" he explained as though there were any doubt to it and inadvertently pelted the inspector with half-chewed crumbs from his mouth.

"Yes, I can see that", Mr. Barnacle replied without changing his expression. Mr. Krabs swallowed and smiled brightly at him.

His smile didn't last long. With an "ack" and a "hack" and a "hurk", he turned first green, then blue, then purple with yellow spots; finally, he toppled over and smashed like an anchor onto the kitchen floor, leaving it to SpongeBob to call an ambulance for the poor crustacean.

* * *

When Krabs finally managed to force his eyes open, the first thing he saw was the dull ceiling of a hospital room. When he managed to lift his head from the pillow, the second thing he saw was SpongeBob waiting uncomfortably close by his hospital bed.

"Are you feeling okay, Mr. Krabs?" the sponge asked with genuine concern. "I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and sitting here and waiting for you to wake up ever since you were brought here. I didn't even leave for a meal, and I ate only three of my fingers!" Happy as a clam, he held up his hand to attest his claim.

"Golly! I'm fine, I'm fine!" Mr. Krabs sat up in his bed and tried to recall what had happened.

Before he could fully do so, however, the nurse approached him like a bringer of doom. "I'm glad you're awake! There's a man outside who wants to see you, sir!"

"See me? Who would th-" Krabs turned pale as he realised who it was and shook his head violently. "No, no, don't let him in!"

It was too late, however; the inspector burst into the room, an unusually jolly smile on his previously stern face.

"I have good news, Mr. Krabs!" he announced. "The food poisoning case has been settled."

"Without me?!"

"Nothing to worry about, sir. All you'll have to do is sever ties with your supplier and pay a teeny tiny little monetary sum. Just a formality, really." With that, Inspector Barnacle presented a piece of paper to Krabs.

"THAT'S YOUR TINY LITTLE SUM?!" Mr. Krabs exclaimed as he saw the number.

The inspector glanced at the paper to check its accuracy. "Oh, sorry", he apologised as he briefly took it back and unfolded it, revealing the rest of the digits.

"BY NEPTUNE'S KELP-ENTANGLED BEARD!" Krabs exclaimed, then he lay motionless.

"Um, Mr. Krabs?" SpongeBob poked him, but got no response. Then he poked him harder. Just as he began looking for something to hit him with, the doctor intervened and checked his pulse.

"Heart surgery?" the nurse asked.

"Heart surgery!" the doctor happily replied, high-fiving her. "That'll cost him!"

* * *

No more than a week later, things were back to normal. The Krusty Krab was back in business and had regained the trust of the citizens, who had not been able to resist the succulent taste of an authentic Krabby Patty forever. SpongeBob couldn't have been happier to be making burgers again, and Krabs himself was oddly cheerful after all that had happened.

"I think I'm on me way to raking that money back in, boy-o! The place's crowded again because of the new promotion!"

SpongeBob raised an eyebrow. "Wasn't it the old promotion that got us in trouble?"

Mr. Krabs laughed. "Well, but this one's perfectly safe, kiddo! I'm just giving 'em away for less" - He lowered his voice - "while stinting on the nutrients, o' course."

At that moment, Squidward popped his head into the kitchen, holding his bulbous nose. "Speaking of stinting, something's STINKING from the storage room."

"You didn't get rid of the ingredients, Mr. Krabs?"

Krabs smiled nervously. "The landfill wouldn't take them!"

"My nose won't take them either!" Squidward complained. "There's got to be some way to get rid of it!"

"Oh, by Neptune, if I knew of a way, I would-"

Right at that moment, as if the problem had personally called him there, Patrick entered the kitchen. Despite not being employed at the Krusty Krab, he did this with alarming regularity, though by this point, no one cared enough anymore to explain that it was off-limits. Right now, he was looking so furious that no one would have dared to try and explain it.

"I have a complaint to make!" he yelled. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs gasped - had they accidentally used the toxic ingredients again? However, Patrick presented a normal-looking Krabby Patty to them. "This patty does not have extra sauce and it doesn't have extra taste stuff either!"

Mr. Krabs was speechless for a moment, but then he grinned, with the kind of broad grin that indicated he had gotten an idea.

"Well, our special promotion is, um, over, but we still have some in store!" He winked to SpongeBob.

"Oh, goody goody!" the starfish exclaimed and happily clapped his hands as everyone let out a sigh of relief. The burger dilemma had cost a lot of nerves, and even one Eugene Krabs probably would think twice in the future before attempting another quick money-making scheme.

Maybe.


End file.
